Fiona Tan

I’ve just realise something that i should i realised it earlier, or maybe i just fooling myself ? I realised that friends has many type till i almost lost count, for example i know this 2 friends from the same place, and suppose to be the same type till the time has once again proved the truth, A friend who will just use all the sweet words or the false caring when he/she needs you, when they used you or you temporary lose interest to them their’ll just dump you and look for you again whenever they need you, Why my title is i’m hating myself ? Because eventhough i’ve known long ago that these friend not that true to me, but i always give them chance and let them used me, with the thought that 1 day they will treat me as true friends. In the end i were just giving them chances to hurt me again and again. I’m also giving them make a lame excuse as saying ” 1 hand clapping won’t making a sounds” Being the foolish me will just continue bear it caused afraid to lose such a lousy and sucks friend. If wanna ask me Why am i still treating them a friend after what i have just said about them ? Honestly i don’t have any idea, but i know that when my limit were over then thats what i mean by buzz off! Like i said earlier i’ve 2 type of friend, everything will have angel & evil thats the balance of life, so there is friends that i can feel they are sincerely and truly treating you as a friends. Becaused they won’t said a single sweet words to you, but just be honest and point out your mistakes,( In a good way of caused!!) They will just be themself and no pretend, but like i said times prove everything so when i meet the angel ( True friends i mean ) i’ve almost mistaken them for the demon or even felt the angel are too good to be true. But when the time i really need someone or something by my side, the god has make me remember of the true angel that i almost forget, it takes me alot of courage trying to getting close to that angel and finally i did, and i’m glad i did it caused at last i’ve met an angel with a kind heart, sincere and true friends, i know i’ve alot of angel friend so i must start to learn to forget about the evil friend. But people always said ” Do not judges a book with its cover” Angel or demon i won’t know caused only the god and themself will know it. Too all my angel friend thanks for being there when i need you and hope angel won’t turn to demon 1 day, caused i never know and time will proved..

Everyone has a dream, has a ambition, has target. But me ? what’s mine ? Whenever people ask me ” Hey Fiona what’s your dream ? I’ll just jokingly answer ” Marry a rich guy la hehe” But honestly i always wonder and ask myself do i have a dream ? or do i dare to dream ? What’s my ambition ? When i was a kid i always dream of being a researcher and doing research on all rare illness especially my type of skin illness, but when time passed i realised that this dream is impossible to come true.
Then i hope that for the least i hope that i can have a better future and take care of my healths, but usually there must be some way will washed off all my positive thought and turning it to those negative thought and i can’t control it, I’m having a hard time reassure myself that i’m fine, my future not that dark. But there’s just something that always make me thing that a girl without any education will find a proper job in future! A girl that even walking around also has trouble makes my spirit always so down. Bearing this illness for 17 + year and long long time ahead for me really make me wonder will i have a career or gotta depends on my family forever ? Few more months i’m turning 18 years old, for other’s is a nice ages, People said 18 still young and pretty ma. But at the ages of 18 with body weight 31.75 KG and height 140cm seems like a 12 years old are more bigger then me, i feel like people just slightly push me and i’ll fall down like a baby. Just now i just wanna sit on my chair and i suddenly felt my kneecap were kinda on the loose and almost dislocated again, these feel really scare the hell outta me, i hate the feel of being weak, being so fragile. So like a baby!! Well guess this 17 year i still haven’t trained myself to be a strong girl and might dissappoint people who care about me, but sometimes i rather be weak then pretending to be someone i’m not. I wanna cried and let people comfort me like i’m a little girl, but i can’t do it in front of my family especially my mom,i don’t wanna make her worry me. The least i can do now is just grumbling all this nonsense and post it in my blog at the very least this is the only way i can express it all out. Thanks for people who do read this long and bored post.

Yoohooo!! Exactly 1 months didn’t off, alas today get the chance for a precious day off!! hehe sounds freaking desperate huh ??
Hehe today i become a pig till 12 noon (told ya i’m a pig!!) then with my 2nd bro go has some hairdo at our neighbourhood saloon, buy a Conditioner hair treatment spray for 42.00 bucks..My hair looks like a grass :’( then we both go to Jln Ipoh for breakfast cum lunch in our old time favourite shop eating “wan tan mee” Mmmm yummy.. later on we go to Mid Valley to watch Rush Hour 3 a great action + comedy movie ever, no wonder this movie can be a big hits for now! Anyone wanna thinking on what movie to watch ?? if yes then watch this first caused it was really a nice one!!
Hehe there’s all for my 1 day adventure, going dinner soon, bye guy’s!!

I’ve work for 4 weeks in a row without taking a day off, becaused my shop lack of human resource!! Sigh 17 look like 20++ Oh gosh no people want me dy!! but i’ve learnt and gained alot of experience in the past 1 month. Although is tiring but i prove i can manages it, although i may not 100% do it well, always”bump the wood” (mistake). But people always said ” Learn from your mistakes” and i’m trying hard to improve and learn from it. I hope i won’t disappoint people who put high hopes on me lo.

Recently i’ve a friend told me about miracle is shouldn’t just wait it to happen, we should create it. Last time i always wonder will miracle happen to me ? does miracle ever exist ? well i don’t know till now, but i’m trying to create it myself. another friend send me this from a movie line. “Be The Miracle…. If you had watch “Bruce Almighty” that movie there is this part where “God” said “Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It’s a magic trick. A single mom who’s working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that’s a miracle. A teenager who says “no” to drugs and “yes” to an education, that’s a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don’t realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.”

So next time when you see someone who needs help, no matter how small the matter might seem to you, offer your help. Who knows you might be the one needing help next time. I found that is soo right !! But can i really do it ? Time will show us..Recently kinda busy i guess, rarely chat with a friend whom i used to chat with him every single day, even we don’t chat on phone we won’t missed sms each other, but recently i wonder why he so cold towards me, maybe he didn’t really do it in purpose or i’m too sensitive but i felt our friendship has started to changes, just 1 year time and it turning cold.sighh~~Hope i won’t lose another friend whom i cared alot again, Few day’s back i saw a familiar name in my bro online forum, it were the guy i once like, but i just brush it away caused is already past, but surprisingly my bro suddenly told me about it, caused all along i thought my bro don’t know any single thing about me liking this fellow, so when he told me about it, it were kinda surprised me, but i guess it won’t be so coincidence so i won’t think bout it too much.So what i wanna said is that, if that person really care about you, he won’t just said it, but he’ll show it and let the time prove it. Hehe guess tonight my post kinda nonsense huh? just wanna tell everyone how i’m doing lately. Next time you saw me don’t said : Hey Fion you look so “chan” already!!” Ouch that will make me thing i’m old le.. hehe ok so long everyone bye bye..