Fiona Tan

Just now my friend mention about god is fair to everyone he gave you something also will take away something from you..
She said”god give you this illness but he also give you a wonderful family and carefree lifestyle you don’t have to worry much!” Yup I do agreed on what she said i do have a wonderful family and don’t need to worry financial stuff and I do treasure my family.! But if my carefree lifestyle is exchanges it with a cured of my skin illness cured all my skin buloues and patches. I can walk,run or even jump like I normal person in enchanges I gotta work for my living or study hard I will take the changes! Not that I not satisfied in my live now but being torture and cages because of this illness I can’t do most teenager can do and most importantly is my future! If my illness stay forever what will my future be ? can I live independently ? Sooner or later I gotta lead my live independent.. Can I ? I really have no idea.. Do you really think being the cheerful me won’t worried these stuff ? if you do think so you’re so wrong!..sigh…

Earlier this week my dad said wanna take me to “pulau langkawi,penang and maybe cameron highland” for holiday! Of cause i’m happy but i afraid can’t go if my grandmother sick worsen and i afraid if i leave and anything happen to her i’ll regret for not being by her side! My worry come true. Yesterday my mom get a call from one of my aunt saying “por por” hardly breath come and see her if you want! Gosh usually if we getting those call i won’t feel anything cause i thought its just they over-react but i have no idea why yesterday my heart felt so uneasy.After my mom go for about 1 hour my mom call my eldest bro to go there too saying its kinda critical, so my bro go,at first my bro wanna ask me follow him together but audrey coincidence went out awhile so i gotta stay back and watch over my manager and general clerk. In that moment my heart is like feeling something bad is happening so i called my bro after he go and ask how’s popo he told me popo hard to breath and her eye sight is worsen then previously! On that moment i felt my heart was so hurt and worried, i try so hard not to cry in front of my colleague but i can’t. I can’t control my tears from flowing out so i go toilet and cry awhile then come out acting calm, after work mom called and said popo condition stable a little and ask us don’t speed car. So went me,kenny,audrey and canisius went to visit her about 10pm she look so pale! her stomach swell and went we greet her we need to said out our name and stuff..Seeing her struggle to breath really hurt me so much..she hardly can talk now, just lying there subconsiously and didn’t eat just drink a little sometimes.My mom told me they all thought my popo will “gone by the wind”yesterday afternoon!Later 3 pm a doctor will go to my aunt house to check on her and decide whether she need radiotheraphy or not..Hope miracle will befall on her and lessen her pain ok…

Hmm that day i send an christmas card to KW and he said he get it yesterday! He thank me and said he real happy, sigh but yesterday not good mood so last night i also kinda lazy to chat with him! haha poor him always let me bully lol..

Well in my last post I have mentions that I start to hired a tutor and study back and last Thursday I have taken my first test,honestly although is a little test for other’s but for me it meant a lot, if i fail i afraid i’ll lose confidence in future although i know i won’t pass it everytime but it did help to encourages me.! Especially my karangan”malay essay” my most poor subject also have 60% marks thats exactly pass! although not 100% but i really happy already cause at last i feel if you work hard and do your best the results if pass will be real happy, even if i really fail one day at least i know i have done my best.After i get the results and thanks my tutor for her guidance i told a friend whom i thought he will cared,but to my disappointment he didn’t even congrats or even cared, once i told him about my test and he just said is just a small pea and even told me that tutor even if i fail also will make me pass! gosh always said understand me! thats so the wrong!sigh guess guy’s better don’t put high expectation on them.
My parents just back from they 12 day’s tour at china and hong kong, they brought many handgift for us especially me!My grand mother sick is like getting worse i can saw her chest was swell with don’t know is lump or tumour! always seeing her in pains and vomiting,losing her appetite as well.From what my aunts told us there even one day my grand mother beg the doctor to end her life’s.! Cause she said she don’t wanna endure the pain anymore but the doctor said is illegal they won’t do this to her.. seeing that making my heart felt like its been stab by a knife.I always thought cause i’m the youngest so i may be the most not noticed granddaughter, not that i said she not love me but i just felt it may be lesser compare to my bro and cousin bro.But to my mistakes when my mom not around and when i went to visit her,she always ask if i taken my meal yet,when we take wanna take a one on one and group picture with her cause i’m the youngest so i gotta wait but to my surprised my grandma ask me to take with her and whatever happen she’ll ask me to take part! i felt really happy and sad at the same time! I felt happy cause i can felt my grandma cared,at the same time i feel sad cause i thought my grandma not that cared of me! I felt real guilty and whenever i thought that my grandma in pains or that she gonna leave us sooner or later really make me so sad..I everynight pray that my grandma will be lesser pain but why is fall on the deaf ear of the god ? please blessed my grandmother healthy and don’t let her endure those pains anymore!!
Gosh real sleepy and lazy now cause last night my brother car break down in the middle of the road and waiting for assistance, my bro even accidentally sprain his leg cause almost bump by a car! at last my second bro fetch me home first cause last night i drink a little beer given by my grandfather and a little drowsy hehe.. soo sleepy!!!sigh better get back to work..cheer…